#on an unrelated note if you have any pictures of dr habit or any good s4m fan art Please send it 2 me! it would make my day :-)

[lovetothevoid]

in other news I’m thinking about him

[bisexualbuck]

My 911 Fic Writing Masterlist

(Last edited May 28th 2021)

I’ve finally decided to do a masterpost of all my writing for the show 911 which is the fandom I’ve written the most for. There are 33 fics in this post, holy crap.

(If anyone is interested, I’ve also written for Star Trek AOS, Leverage, the MCU, among many other fandoms.)

As a general note, I’ll say most of my fics have Buddie elements and I also try to have at least one Firefam moment. Also, please check each fic’s warnings.

This is going to be long so most of it will be under a read more.

Last thing, please! If you like any of these stories, please consider leaving a comment and reblogging this post.

Multi Chapter

Reaching In The Dark | 38.7k

It all started innocent enough but Buck can no longer deny it.

He has a stalker.

Someone so obsessed with him that they would spend hours and hours following him, unnoticed, taking pictures of him, taking notes of his habits.

But life has been so good lately, and Buck doesn’t want to worry anyone. So he tells no one about it, he can deal with it on his own.

Leave My Body | 23k

"Do you want to see how it could have been? You are so sure you've been a burden on everyone you've ever met, but I can show you the truth."

.

Buck dies but it's not the end.

(Inspired by the movie It's a Wonderful Life)

Encore | 20.1k

“I’m going insane.”

“Did something happen?”

A dark, bitter laugh bubbles out of Buck – a mockery of joy.

“Everything keeps happening, and it’s still the same fucking day. It’s always the same and every time it’s different and I can’t do anything.”

.

Or

Buck keeps reliving the same day, over and over again.

Hurt/Comfort

Death, Be Not Proud | 10.1k

There are moments barge loudly into your life and, even as you’re going through them, you know they will change everything.

There are other moments that happen quietly, unnoticed, and it’s only afterwards that you know, looking back, that they have changed your life.

When the 118 is called to a decrepit house, they don’t think much of it.

Yet this will change their lives forever.

Silent Storm | 4.4k

Buck wakes up in the hospital.

Except he can't move. He can't speak.

But he can hear everything.

Dying Of The Light | 4.1k

If Purgatory was a place on Earth, it would be a hospital waiting room.

Or

Buck is in a coma, brain-dead - or so that's what the doctors say anyway.

(Silent Storm told from the Firefam's POV)

No Kingdom To Come | 8k

Days pass, then weeks that soon turn into months. Buck doesn’t call, he doesn’t text.

They don’t even know if he is still alive.

Maddie files a missing person’s report. Athena checks for any mention of his name anywhere in the country.

Nothing pops up, no one calls.

Buck is gone.

The Courage To Heal | 1.4k

He remembers her perfume. Thick, flowery – it makes him retch.

Why does he remember her perfume? Every time he smells anything like it, he wants to throw up, he wants to rush in the shower and try to wash away the stink of it.

Why can’t he move on?

He’s had sex with countless people over the years, especially back in his Buck 1.0 days, so why does that encounter remain? Why does it make him sick?

Why does he feel so ashamed?

.

Buck opens up about Dr Wells, the therapist from season 1.

The Loneliness Never Left Me | 2k

“Buck is afraid he is gonna end up like Red, without friends, without family. He thinks the job is the only thing he’ll ever have and that he’ll always be alone.”

Silence falls around them, heavy and suffocating.

“We need to show him that he’s got us."

“Not show him,” Chim says. “Tell him.”

Forever Day | 2k

The man pulls a gun out.

He aims it at Buck’s head.

“If you take another step I will blast your brains on the ground."

Hollow | ~300

Bobby on the day of his late wife and kids’ deaths, with Athena by his side.

Those Days | ~600

A look into Eddie and Christopher having a bad day made better by having each other.

Little Hope | ~500

A moment of support between two friends, Karen and Eddie, as Hen lays unconscious in a hospital bed.

Firefam Feels

Alone Again | 1.2k

Post S04E04

After standing up for himself to his parents, Buck feels hollow.

He isn't sure how he finds himself at Athena and Bobby's home, but maybe that's exactly where he needs to be.

Make It Three | 3.2k

It takes him twenty full minutes to realize what he has said, and then it hits him like a goddamn freight train.

Oh no. Oh no.

Buck just hung up on the phone on Athena Grant telling her that he loved her like he’s been doing it every day of his life.

Oh no.

.

Or

Buck slips up and tells Athena he loves her. He has a bit of a freak out.

Words Unsaid | 2.2k

“What’s going on?” Bobby and Buck say in unison.

“You two,” Athena announces, “are going to talk things out.”

“There’s nothing to talk about,” Buck says, like a liar. “Everything is fine.”

.

Buck overhears Bobby say that he's not his kid. He doesn't take it very well.

Lay You Down | 2k

Buck is sick and can't be left alone in his feverish state, but everyone is working.

Everyone but Athena.

That Which We Carry | 2.1k

Bobby stops in his tracks.

Buck is sitting on the ground, next to his own car, his keys and phone forgotten next to him. His breathing is loud and short and he has his head in his hands so that his face is hidden.

He’s having a panic attack.

To Be Loved, To Belong | 3.1k

5 times Buck almost tells his family what they mean to him.

+1 time he does.

Buried | 2.3k

It’s supposed to be a simple call.

Of course, everything goes wrong.

Just As It Was | 2.3k

After the lawsuit, Buck overworks himself trying to prove his worth to the team.

One day, he pushes too far.

Sunlight | ~500

The Buckley siblings have a bet about what Maddie and Chim’s kid’s first word will be.

Family Matters | ~500

A look into the future at Bobby’s retirement party.

Humor & Fluff

Freedom In Love | 1.1k

“You can’t keep ignoring this,” Maddie says – again.

She says it a lot. His answer is pretty much always the same.

“Actually, I can. And I think I will. This is working great for me so far. It’s like Schrödinger’s confession, if I don’t say anything, Eddie can’t reject me.”

Green Heart | 3k

Buck starts seeing a man.

Eddie worries he is being a bigot, because the idea of Buck kissing another man makes him want to punch someone.

What else could it be?

The Most Perfect Moment | 1.7k

After Shannon, Eddie never thought that he would ever want to get married again.

Yet, a little red box lays in his pocket until the perfect moment to propose comes around.He has been carrying it for weeks now, waiting.

He wants his proposal to be perfect because he knows that this is the last time he will ever be asking this question. Buck is it for him. There will never be anyone else.

Blame It On Chimney | 1k

“So anyway, that’s how Chimney saw me full-on naked.”

Eddie chokes on his beer.

How It Looks | ~400

Someone is back to haunt Chim. Well, not exactly someone. Hen is tired.

The Rest Of Our Lives | ~500

One night, one conversation that changes everything between Buck and Eddie.

Tumblr Prompts

lover, be good to me | 7.1k

This is a collection of unrelated prompts first posted on my tumblr.

(Summary of each story in the first chapter's notes)

Eddie touching Buck’s birthmark | ~300

Eddie in a relationship is a clingy Eddie | ~200

Halloween at the station | ~500

Buck & Maddie being their cute selves |  ~400

Misc.

from the bottom i come running | 3.7k

Co-written with the endlessly talented ksmalltalk / @letitialewiss​

Crossover with Lone Star.

Just a soccer match for charity and two men cheering on their boyfriends.

Wait, no. Eddie and Buck are not dating, no matter what Chim and Hen can say.

Or

In the stands, Eddie befriends TK whose boyfriend is playing alongside Buck. Out on the pitch, Buck and Carlos are a force to be reckoned with.

Oh, and someone gets hurt.

safe inside | 5.6k

Co-written with the biggest-brained and most talented chasingobligion / @starlightbuck​

World-famous actor TK Strand and his bodyguard Carlos find themselves seeking shelter from fans and paparazzi in a bakery Carlos knows very well.

Or

Baking leads to a few life changes.

Breathe You In | 2k

Eddie can’t stop staring.

This selfie is going to be the death of him.Buck is shirtless, and giving the camera an intense look that leaves Eddie panting.

Or

Buck sends a picture that tips their relationship into something new.

[northamptoncouplestherapy]

The Most Crucial Relationship Skill You Can Have

Being able to shift gears in the heat of an argument and initiate a thoughtful break may be one of the most crucial relationship skills. Breaks can afford you time to cool down, deepen your perspective and have a successful re-do with your partner. But for these to be successful, it helps to follow a few basic practices.

Unfortunately, when conflicts arise, many of us are likely to do more harm than good. People might shut down conversations prematurely or push their partner past their threshold of tolerance. What often follows is that both partners get locked in a stalemate of deafening silence.

Even worse, we frequently compound the problem by misusing the time apart. Dr. John Gottman, renowned for his research on marital stability and divorce prediction, describes what he calls “self-righteous indignation,” which includes obsessing over wrongs we believe our partner has committed. This can happen silently as we ruminate internally, or it can happen vocally when we “vent” to sympathetic others.

When you're feeling self-righteous indignation, you tend to see your partner as more of the problem. You are likely to exude contempt even if you don’t utter a word.

This tends to widen the chasm between you and your spouse. It can morph the potential healing power of a timeout into just another hurt, widening the distance between you.

Even if you're in a relationship that is not prone to volatility, you're still vulnerable. As mammals, we've evolved to be acutely aware of one another’s nonverbal cues. Our spouses may read body language like eye rolling, the avoidance of eye contact, loud sighs, and dismissive tone of voice as threats. These signs communicate disdain, which slowly erodes trust and intimacy.

How do you take space in such a way that it supports your relationship, brings you closer, and gives you a perspective that moves beyond blame?

It comes down to three principles.

The When:

Timing is crucial for successful space. It means not shutting your partner down prematurely. In a healthy relationship, it's important to hang in there even when your partner says things you don't like. Gestures like listening non-defensively, finding the reasonable part of their complaint, and offering assurance can go a long way in avoiding escalation. Non-verbals, such as nodding your head and softening your voice tone, can significantly increase the likelihood of a productive conversation.

Although we don’t want to cut off communication too quickly, it is important to recognize that, sometimes, even if you act from your best self, arguments can spiral out of control. For this reason, the when is also about recognizing when it is time to stop, give your bodies a chance to cool down, and recover from threat mode.

It's a fine line, a delicate balance. To do it well you must simultaneously be able to tolerate low-level conflict, and yet be aware of when it has become more beneficial to stop an argument at a moment’s notice. Every fiber of your being may want to shut down or scream. Catching yourself on the cusp of feeling compromised and taking a deep breath (perhaps several), let your partner know that you – yes you – need a break. No small feat.

The What:

Once you have recognized that a break from communication needs to happen, the most critical piece of determining if your time apart will be beneficial versus detrimental is what you do with it. At The Northampton Center For Couples Therapy, where we see 100 couples a week, this is where people seem most prone to going awry.

Navigating relational turmoil solo can stir up a slew of emotions. Even if you are the one who initiated the space, it's not uncommon to find yourself feeling abandoned and rejected, or hyper-vigilant and self-protected. Both of these mindsets can barricade you from reconnecting with your partner and, ultimately, do more harm than good.

For this reason, it is important during a timeout to intentionally cease any negative spin in your head about your partner.

Instead, try to consciously cultivate receptivity to the idea that there may be more to the picture than what you are seeing and feeling from your angered vantage point.

For this to succeed, refrain from venting to others, or even to yourself. Instead, channel your turmoil into something unrelated. Go for a walk, fold the laundry, weed the garden, or do anything that takes your mind away from the conflict. While engaged in this other activity, if your mind latches onto anger or fear, allow yourself to let it go and intentionally consider that there may be no clear right or wrong. In fact, research shows that when couples fight it is most often because they are at cross-purposes.

The How

You have taken a break, and you have used that break wisely to reset yourself emotionally. The next goal is the How – coming back together and trying again.

Timeouts can't last forever. Yes, they play a crucial role in helping you shift into a more centered and open place as a couple. But they can also backfire. If space extends into too much time, turning into a stalemate, the prolonged silence can be injurious and erode the trust in your relationship. Anything more than a waking day can begin to feed negative sentiment.

If this happens, there’s a good chance your timeout has morphed into a silent battleground where issues of control and power are being played out between you. In these instances, you'll each risk assuming that the other partner is fully responsible for re-initiating repair and taking the high road.

Don’t get stuck on who re-initiates. In most relationships, there is one partner who pursues more and one who distances more. And though this dynamic can cause real pain for couples, it is not a measure of love. I'm emphasizing repair, believing it takes priority (at the moment) and that your focus should be on achieving re-connection sooner rather than later.

Cultivate an attitude of “no big deal.” Research shows that people who are successful in their relationships know that the best way to get their partner to hear them is to stick to the issue at hand and de-emphasize taking a stand. They understand that conflict is inevitable, and they trust in their ability to handle themselves (and their partners). They say things like, "look, I'm not sure what happened earlier, but all I was trying to say is…" Successful couples also modulate their tone, intentionally using a friendly or humorous voice.

In summary, one of the most important relationship skills you can have is a finely tuned emotional break. This should not happen prematurely, nor should it go on for too long. But done correctly, this break can support you in slowing down to pause (or even stop) when that is better than continuing a conflict. Likewise, keeping an eye on productive habits during the break, and making sure the break does not go on for extended periods of time, help to assure successful understanding and re-connection.

Learning to stay calm in the face of threat is not easy, but with time and practice we all have the potential to become less reactive and "shift states," to move more fluidly in and out of conflict, and stay connected. Practicing compassion in the form of patience and tolerance for our partners and ourselves can help us learn how to love well.

Note: A variation of this article appears on the Gottman Relationship Blog.

More information on taking healthy, timely breaks from your relationship or how to used the Gottman Method to reconcile and restore your connection can be gained through our online couples therapy, relationship retreats, or in-person couples counseling sessions.

[stomped-camels]

Day 1

I downloaded this application, QuitGuide, to quit smoking. The app had a journal entry section, but this app hasn’t gotten any actual tune-ups in what seems like years (it almost looks like something that belongs on my old iPhone 3GS), but it’ll send me reminders throughout the day. That seems helpful enough to warrant keeping it. I originally quit back in March for a solid… week and a half, or so. It was actually kind of easy, and made me think I won’t have trouble staying away from cigarettes. And then I visited my mom, and it all went to hell. So. It’s the dead of night, and I stomped on the pack of Camel Blues I bought today. I can’t recall how much they were, but I’m pretty sure they were $7.00, around. I bought a $9 lotto ticket that got me zilch, so all in all, I paid around $16 for the whole bunch. My dad loaned me $80 today, since I lost my debit card. I spent it almost entirely on the cigarettes and lotto ticket, lunch, and procuring a Blu Ray copy of The Phantom of the Opera and Se7en from Barnes and Noble. I have a spending problem. On an unrelated note, the best place to get classic horror films for Halloween is WalMart. Unfortunately, N converted me to Blu Rays, and now that’s all I can watch. I have a huge plastic tub of DVDs that will now go unwatched. I should maybe donate those… Not the TV shows, though. Most TV show companies don’t convert their content to Blu Ray, except more recent stuff, and The X Files. I started smoking back in 2015, summer of 2015. I had just come out of a mental hospital, which a suicide attempt put me in. My mom’s smoked all my life. The only time she stopped was for my sister nine years my junior to be born, and if I remember correctly, she stayed off cigarettes for a few years, but eventually fell off the wagon. Is that the right term, fell off the wagon? I feel like it is. Anyway, point is, I always felt like I’d end up smoking. My best friend at the time picked it up after berating me for saying “I feel like I need a rebellious trait… smoking seems like the ticket.” I in turn berated her for starting up after calling me an idiot, and it was in a car, her sister was driving, she tried to jump out. My previous friendships were not healthy, and at some point will make a wonderfully well-received teen novel about accepting the end of long-term friendships and how they’re literally impossible to stop. Back to my smoking. I bought a pack of Marlboro Blacks that June, and I “smoked” them. By “smoked,” I mean I inhaled the smoke in my mouth and puffed out like that was how one smokes. Every once in a while, the smoke actually went down my throat and I’d cough like mad. Never wanted to throw up, though, which I always expected since I have severe acid reflux—which, if I may contribute to any studies of how cigarette smoking affects people with the dreaded GERD, only ended up in awful mornings of intolerable heartburn from the previous day of heavy smoking. I switched to Marlboro Silvers. Or Golds, I can’t remember, once I really started smoking. When I got a boyfriend later that year, I switched to Camel Crushes, but I wouldn’t crush the menthol. In May of 2016, an elderly WalMart employee couldn’t find any Camel Crushes behind the counter and I, feeling guilty for waving my bad habit about in front of this old woman, settled for the in-stock Camel Blues. And I smoked them ever since. Around a pack a day, every day, every week. I am a nicotine addict. It doesn’t feel like a release to say that, but it also doesn’t feel like the greatest shame in my life. I’ve had more shameful moments than saying that, some of which have arisen from being an addict, sure, but. Saying it doesn’t make me want to contact Dr. Phil and try and get on his show to discuss my “deplorable habit.” On the app, I was asked the reason why I wanted to quit. I initially typed “to be able to exercise without feeling breathless and to be able to advance with my singing,” but I backspaced almost immediately because that’s not the real reason. I met N around the beginning of October of 2016. I had confided in him that I was a smoker, and I asked if he had any problems with that. He told me, and I’m paraphrasing only the tiniest bit, that guys who smoked “turned him on.” I can’t remember if he said guys who smoked “are hot” or “turn him on,” but it doesn’t really matter. After a few months of being subjected to me calling for a smoke break at home, or in the car, he finally told me that the habit had becoming irritating and rather disgusting. I reeked of smoke and my breath was abbhorent. So I made the decision to quit (which resulted in the previously mentioned week-and-a-half of being smoke-free). Once I started smoking again, I shamefully (see what I meant?) realized I had basically lied to him, and that I was back on this bullshit and I have been lying to him ever since. I feel guilty all the time I’m with him, and I feel I’ve caused a strain. He’s in Seattle, currently, visiting a friend. I decided I’d quit and start cleaning up my life in other areas, too. I’ve been unemployed for about seven months, so I wanna get serious about it. Not that I haven’t applied elsewhere (it’s a long story and to be frank it just pisses me off), I just need to think smaller. N is my reason for quitting smoking. My main reason, at least. I get the whole “detriment to my health” deal and the “waste of money” point, but my main reason is doing right by him. I don’t want to worry about how my breath or clothes smell. I don’t want to mute myself when we’re on the phone for constant hours and I feel the urge to go outside and spark one up. I want to be honest. And to be honest, I have to hide from him that I have indeed been smoking, and once I quit, I’ll basically be telling the truth. Yikes, I feel like some troublesome character on a sitcom. But. You get the picture. By the way, who is You? Who’s gonna be reading this? Probably no one. I’ve started up journals before and I never gain any traction. Logically, You is Me. Me. I’m talking to you, me. This journal is for myself. I want to post about how my life may be getting better (or worse) once I’ve stopped smoking. It also works as a good craving suppressant. Write about how sad you feel about hiding something from your significant other and you’ll be less likely to do it. Who said that? Me, but it makes sense in the logical aspect of things. So, it’s what, 2:06 in the morning? Should probably wrap this up, I decided to also fix my sleep schedule by downloading this alarm clock app that won’t stop screaming at me until I solve five puzzles that require cognizant brain-power. Alright, C. Wake up tomorrow, at a DECENT TIME, and do something productive. Maybe go apply to some places, take a walk around the neighborhood. You can do it. I believe in you.

October 15, 2017, 2:09 a.m.

[northamptoncouplestherapy]

Being able to shift gears in the heat of an argument and initiate a thoughtful break may be one of the most crucial relationship skills. Breaks can afford you time to cool down, deepen your perspective and have a successful re-do with your partner. But for these to be successful, it helps to follow a few basic practices.

Unfortunately, when conflicts arise, many of us are likely to do more harm than good. People might shut down conversations prematurely or push their partner past their threshold of tolerance. What often follows is that both partners get locked in a stalemate of deafening silence.

Even worse, we frequently compound the problem by misusing the time apart. Dr. John Gottman, renowned for his research on marital stability and divorce prediction, describes what he calls “self-righteous indignation,” which includes obsessing over wrongs we believe our partner has committed. This can happen silently as we ruminate internally, or it can happen vocally when we “vent” to sympathetic others.

When you're feeling self-righteous indignation, you tend to see your partner as more of the problem. You are likely to exude contempt even if you don’t utter a word.

This tends to widen the chasm between you and your spouse. It can morph the potential healing power of a timeout into just another hurt, widening the distance between you.

Even if you're in a relationship that is not prone to volatility, you're still vulnerable. As mammals, we've evolved to be acutely aware of one another’s nonverbal cues. Our spouses may read body language like eye rolling, the avoidance of eye contact, loud sighs, and dismissive tone of voice as threats. These signs communicate disdain, which slowly erodes trust and intimacy.

How do you take space in such a way that it supports your relationship, brings you closer, and gives you a perspective that moves beyond blame?

It comes down to three principles.

The When:

Timing is crucial for successful space. It means not shutting your partner down prematurely. In a healthy relationship, it's important to hang in there even when your partner says things you don't like. Gestures like listening non-defensively, finding the reasonable part of their complaint, and offering assurance can go a long way in avoiding escalation. Non-verbals, such as nodding your head and softening your voice tone, can significantly increase the likelihood of a productive conversation.

Although we don’t want to cut off communication too quickly, it is important to recognize that, sometimes, even if you act from your best self, arguments can spiral out of control. For this reason, the when is also about recognizing when it is time to stop, give your bodies a chance to cool down, and recover from threat mode.

It's a fine line, a delicate balance. To do it well you must simultaneously be able to tolerate low-level conflict, and yet be aware of when it has become more beneficial to stop an argument at a moment’s notice. Every fiber of your being may want to shut down or scream. Catching yourself on the cusp of feeling compromised and taking a deep breath (perhaps several), let your partner know that you - yes you - need a break. No small feat.

The What:

Once you have recognized that a break from communication needs to happen, the most critical piece of determining if your time apart will be beneficial versus detrimental is what you do with it. At The Northampton Center For Couples Therapy, where we see 100 couples a week, this is where people seem most prone to going awry.

Navigating relational turmoil solo can stir up a slew of emotions. Even if you are the one who initiated the space, it's not uncommon to find yourself feeling abandoned and rejected, or hyper-vigilant and self-protected. Both of these mindsets can barricade you from reconnecting with your partner and, ultimately, do more harm than good.

For this reason, it is important during a timeout to intentionally cease any negative spin in your head about your partner.

Instead, try to consciously cultivate receptivity to the idea that there may be more to the picture than what you are seeing and feeling from your angered vantage point.

For this to succeed, refrain from venting to others, or even to yourself. Instead, channel your turmoil into something unrelated. Go for a walk, fold the laundry, weed the garden, or do anything that takes your mind away from the conflict. While engaged in this other activity, if your mind latches onto anger or fear, allow yourself to let it go and intentionally consider that there may be no clear right or wrong. In fact, research shows that when couples fight it is most often because they are at cross-purposes.

The How

You have taken a break, and you have used that break wisely to reset yourself emotionally. The next goal is the How – coming back together and trying again.

Timeouts can't last forever. Yes, they play a crucial role in helping you shift into a more centered and open place as a couple. But they can also backfire. If space extends into too much time, turning into a stalemate, the prolonged silence can be injurious and erode the trust in your relationship. Anything more than a waking day can begin to feed negative sentiment.

If this happens, there’s a good chance your timeout has morphed into a silent battleground where issues of control and power are being played out between you. In these instances, you'll each risk assuming that the other partner is fully responsible for re-initiating repair and taking the high road.

Don’t get stuck on who re-initiates. In most relationships, there is one partner who pursues more and one who distances more. And though this dynamic can cause real pain for couples, it is not a measure of love. I'm emphasizing repair, believing it takes priority (at the moment) and that your focus should be on achieving re-connection sooner rather than later.

Cultivate an attitude of “no big deal.” Research shows that people who are successful in their relationships know that the best way to get their partner to hear them is to stick to the issue at hand and de-emphasize taking a stand. They understand that conflict is inevitable, and they trust in their ability to handle themselves (and their partners). They say things like, "look, I'm not sure what happened earlier, but all I was trying to say is…" Successful couples also modulate their tone, intentionally using a friendly or humorous voice.

In summary, one of the most important relationship skills you can have is a finely tuned emotional break. This should not happen prematurely, nor should it go on for too long. But done correctly, this break can support you in slowing down to pause (or even stop) when that is better than continuing a conflict. Likewise, keeping an eye on productive habits during the break, and making sure the break does not go on for extended periods of time, help to assure successful understanding and re-connection.

Learning to stay calm in the face of threat is not easy, but with time and practice we all have the potential to become less reactive and "shift states," to move more fluidly in and out of conflict, and stay connected. Practicing compassion in the form of patience and tolerance for our partners and ourselves can help us learn how to love well.

Note: A variation of this article appears on the Gottman Relationship Blog.

More information on taking healthy, timely breaks from your relationship or how to used the Gottman Method to reconcile and restore your connection can be gained through our online couples therapy, relationship retreats, or in-person couples counseling sessions.

[northamptoncouplestherapy]

Being able to shift gears in the heat of an argument and initiate a thoughtful break may be one of the most crucial relationship skills. Breaks can afford you time to cool down, deepen your perspective and have a successful re-do with your partner. But for these to be successful, it helps to follow a few basic practices.

Unfortunately, when conflicts arise, many of us are likely to do more harm than good. People might shut down conversations prematurely or push their partner past their threshold of tolerance. What often follows is that both partners get locked in a stalemate of deafening silence.

Even worse, we frequently compound the problem by misusing the time apart. Dr. John Gottman, renowned for his research on marital stability and divorce prediction, describes what he calls “self-righteous indignation,” which includes obsessing over wrongs we believe our partner has committed. This can happen silently as we ruminate internally, or it can happen vocally when we “vent” to sympathetic others.

When you're feeling self-righteous indignation, you tend to see your partner as more of the problem. You are likely to exude contempt even if you don’t utter a word.

This tends to widen the chasm between you and your spouse. It can morph the potential healing power of a timeout into just another hurt, widening the distance between you.

Even if you're in a relationship that is not prone to volatility, you're still vulnerable. As mammals, we've evolved to be acutely aware of one another’s nonverbal cues. Our spouses may read body language like eye rolling, the avoidance of eye contact, loud sighs, and dismissive tone of voice as threats. These signs communicate disdain, which slowly erodes trust and intimacy.

How do you take space in such a way that it supports your relationship, brings you closer, and gives you a perspective that moves beyond blame?

It comes down to three principles.

The When:

Timing is crucial for successful space. It means not shutting your partner down prematurely. In a healthy relationship, it's important to hang in there even when your partner says things you don't like. Gestures like listening non-defensively, finding the reasonable part of their complaint, and offering assurance can go a long way in avoiding escalation. Non-verbals, such as nodding your head and softening your voice tone, can significantly increase the likelihood of a productive conversation.

Although we don’t want to cut off communication too quickly, it is important to recognize that, sometimes, even if you act from your best self, arguments can spiral out of control. For this reason, the when is also about recognizing when it is time to stop, give your bodies a chance to cool down, and recover from threat mode.

It's a fine line, a delicate balance. To do it well you must simultaneously be able to tolerate low-level conflict, and yet be aware of when it has become more beneficial to stop an argument at a moment’s notice. Every fiber of your being may want to shut down or scream. Catching yourself on the cusp of feeling compromised and taking a deep breath (perhaps several), let your partner know that you - yes you - need a break. No small feat.

The What:

Once you have recognized that a break from communication needs to happen, the most critical piece of determining if your time apart will be beneficial versus detrimental is what you do with it. At The Northampton Center For Couples Therapy, where we see 100 couples a week, this is where people seem most prone to going awry.

Navigating relational turmoil solo can stir up a slew of emotions. Even if you are the one who initiated the space, it's not uncommon to find yourself feeling abandoned and rejected, or hyper-vigilant and self-protected. Both of these mindsets can barricade you from reconnecting with your partner and, ultimately, do more harm than good.

For this reason, it is important during a timeout to intentionally cease any negative spin in your head about your partner.

Instead, try to consciously cultivate receptivity to the idea that there may be more to the picture than what you are seeing and feeling from your angered vantage point.

For this to succeed, refrain from venting to others, or even to yourself. Instead, channel your turmoil into something unrelated. Go for a walk, fold the laundry, weed the garden, or do anything that takes your mind away from the conflict. While engaged in this other activity, if your mind latches onto anger or fear, allow yourself to let it go and intentionally consider that there may be no clear right or wrong. In fact, research shows that when couples fight it is most often because they are at cross-purposes.

The How

You have taken a break, and you have used that break wisely to reset yourself emotionally. The next goal is the How – coming back together and trying again.

Timeouts can't last forever. Yes, they play a crucial role in helping you shift into a more centered and open place as a couple. But they can also backfire. If space extends into too much time, turning into a stalemate, the prolonged silence can be injurious and erode the trust in your relationship. Anything more than a waking day can begin to feed negative sentiment.

If this happens, there’s a good chance your timeout has morphed into a silent battleground where issues of control and power are being played out between you. In these instances, you'll each risk assuming that the other partner is fully responsible for re-initiating repair and taking the high road.

Don’t get stuck on who re-initiates. In most relationships, there is one partner who pursues more and one who distances more. And though this dynamic can cause real pain for couples, it is not a measure of love. I'm emphasizing repair, believing it takes priority (at the moment) and that your focus should be on achieving re-connection sooner rather than later.

Cultivate an attitude of “no big deal.” Research shows that people who are successful in their relationships know that the best way to get their partner to hear them is to stick to the issue at hand and de-emphasize taking a stand. They understand that conflict is inevitable, and they trust in their ability to handle themselves (and their partners). They say things like, "look, I'm not sure what happened earlier, but all I was trying to say is…" Successful couples also modulate their tone, intentionally using a friendly or humorous voice.

In summary, one of the most important relationship skills you can have is a finely tuned emotional break. This should not happen prematurely, nor should it go on for too long. But done correctly, this break can support you in slowing down to pause (or even stop) when that is better than continuing a conflict. Likewise, keeping an eye on productive habits during the break, and making sure the break does not go on for extended periods of time, help to assure successful understanding and re-connection.

Learning to stay calm in the face of threat is not easy, but with time and practice we all have the potential to become less reactive and "shift states," to move more fluidly in and out of conflict, and stay connected. Practicing compassion in the form of patience and tolerance for our partners and ourselves can help us learn how to love well.

Note: A variation of this article appears on the Gottman Relationship Blog.

More information on taking healthy, timely breaks from your relationship or how to used the Gottman Method to reconcile and restore your connection can be gained through our online couples therapy, relationship retreats, or in-person couples counseling sessions.

[northamptoncouplestherapy]

The Most Crucial Relationship Skill You Can Have

Being able to shift gears in the heat of an argument and initiate a thoughtful break may be one of the most crucial relationship skills. Breaks can afford you time to cool down, deepen your perspective and have a successful re-do with your partner. But for these to be successful, it helps to follow a few basic practices.

Unfortunately, when conflicts arise, many of us are likely to do more harm than good. People might shut down conversations prematurely or push their partner past their threshold of tolerance. What often follows is that both partners get locked in a stalemate of deafening silence.

Even worse, we frequently compound the problem by misusing the time apart. Dr. John Gottman, renowned for his research on marital stability and divorce prediction, describes what he calls “self-righteous indignation,” which includes obsessing over wrongs we believe our partner has committed. This can happen silently as we ruminate internally, or it can happen vocally when we “vent” to sympathetic others.

When you're feeling self-righteous indignation, you tend to see your partner as more of the problem. You are likely to exude contempt even if you don’t utter a word.

This tends to widen the chasm between you and your spouse. It can morph the potential healing power of a timeout into just another hurt, widening the distance between you.

Even if you're in a relationship that is not prone to volatility, you're still vulnerable. As mammals, we've evolved to be acutely aware of one another’s nonverbal cues. Our spouses may read body language like eye rolling, the avoidance of eye contact, loud sighs, and dismissive tone of voice as threats. These signs communicate disdain, which slowly erodes trust and intimacy.

How do you take space in such a way that it supports your relationship, brings you closer, and gives you a perspective that moves beyond blame?

It comes down to three principles.

The When:

Timing is crucial for successful space. It means not shutting your partner down prematurely. In a healthy relationship, it's important to hang in there even when your partner says things you don't like. Gestures like listening non-defensively, finding the reasonable part of their complaint, and offering assurance can go a long way in avoiding escalation. Non-verbals, such as nodding your head and softening your voice tone, can significantly increase the likelihood of a productive conversation.

Although we don’t want to cut off communication too quickly, it is important to recognize that, sometimes, even if you act from your best self, arguments can spiral out of control. For this reason, the when is also about recognizing when it is time to stop, give your bodies a chance to cool down, and recover from threat mode.

It's a fine line, a delicate balance. To do it well you must simultaneously be able to tolerate low-level conflict, and yet be aware of when it has become more beneficial to stop an argument at a moment’s notice. Every fiber of your being may want to shut down or scream. Catching yourself on the cusp of feeling compromised and taking a deep breath (perhaps several), let your partner know that you - yes you - need a break. No small feat.

The What:

Once you have recognized that a break from communication needs to happen, the most critical piece of determining if your time apart will be beneficial versus detrimental is what you do with it. At The Northampton Center For Couples Therapy, where we see 100 couples a week, this is where people seem most prone to going awry.

Navigating relational turmoil solo can stir up a slew of emotions. Even if you are the one who initiated the space, it's not uncommon to find yourself feeling abandoned and rejected, or hyper-vigilant and self-protected. Both of these mindsets can barricade you from reconnecting with your partner and, ultimately, do more harm than good.

For this reason, it is important during a timeout to intentionally cease any negative spin in your head about your partner.

Instead, try to consciously cultivate receptivity to the idea that there may be more to the picture than what you are seeing and feeling from your angered vantage point.

For this to succeed, refrain from venting to others, or even to yourself. Instead, channel your turmoil into something unrelated. Go for a walk, fold the laundry, weed the garden, or do anything that takes your mind away from the conflict. While engaged in this other activity, if your mind latches onto anger or fear, allow yourself to let it go and intentionally consider that there may be no clear right or wrong. In fact, research shows that when couples fight it is most often because they are at cross-purposes.

The How

You have taken a break, and you have used that break wisely to reset yourself emotionally. The next goal is the How – coming back together and trying again.

Timeouts can't last forever. Yes, they play a crucial role in helping you shift into a more centered and open place as a couple. But they can also backfire. If space extends into too much time, turning into a stalemate, the prolonged silence can be injurious and erode the trust in your relationship. Anything more than a waking day can begin to feed negative sentiment.

If this happens, there’s a good chance your timeout has morphed into a silent battleground where issues of control and power are being played out between you. In these instances, you'll each risk assuming that the other partner is fully responsible for re-initiating repair and taking the high road.

Don’t get stuck on who re-initiates. In most relationships, there is one partner who pursues more and one who distances more. And though this dynamic can cause real pain for couples, it is not a measure of love. I'm emphasizing repair, believing it takes priority (at the moment) and that your focus should be on achieving re-connection sooner rather than later.

Cultivate an attitude of “no big deal.” Research shows that people who are successful in their relationships know that the best way to get their partner to hear them is to stick to the issue at hand and de-emphasize taking a stand. They understand that conflict is inevitable, and they trust in their ability to handle themselves (and their partners). They say things like, "look, I'm not sure what happened earlier, but all I was trying to say is…" Successful couples also modulate their tone, intentionally using a friendly or humorous voice.

In summary, one of the most important relationship skills you can have is a finely tuned emotional break. This should not happen prematurely, nor should it go on for too long. But done correctly, this break can support you in slowing down to pause (or even stop) when that is better than continuing a conflict. Likewise, keeping an eye on productive habits during the break, and making sure the break does not go on for extended periods of time, help to assure successful understanding and re-connection.

Learning to stay calm in the face of threat is not easy, but with time and practice we all have the potential to become less reactive and "shift states," to move more fluidly in and out of conflict, and stay connected. Practicing compassion in the form of patience and tolerance for our partners and ourselves can help us learn how to love well.

Note: A variation of this article appears on the Gottman Relationship Blog.

More information on taking healthy, timely breaks from your relationship or how to used the Gottman Method to reconcile and restore your connection can be gained through our online couples therapy, relationship retreats, or in-person couples counseling sessions.